I Am

Confusion inside me
And sadly it defines me
Left feeling frustrated
But that's never all
Play the cards that I'm dealt
Never gain ground that I've felt
Left feeling deflated
but that's never all

I don't know what I'm doing
I don't know where I am
I don't know where I'm going
I only know where I've been

Excitement inside me
Opportunities still surprise me
Left feeling elated
But that's never all
Seize the day so they say
But how do I find my own way
Left feeling degraded
But that's never all

I don't know what I'm doing
I don't know where I am
I don't know where I'm going
I only know where I've been

I don't know what I'm doing
I don't know where I am
I don't know where I'm going
I only know where I've been

I only know where I've been

I only know where I've been

If it's not one thing, it's another
Day-by-day I discover
that the weight on my shoulders
only gets heavier as I get older

I don't know what I'm doing
I don't know where I am
I don't know where I'm going
I only know where I've been

I don't know who the fuck I am

It's the same shit on a different day
As I pass this life away
And I want to know where my life will go
But I settle for the mundane

It's the same shit on a different day
As I pass this life away
And I want to know where my life will go
But I settle for the mundane

It's the same shit
It's a different day
As I pass this life away

I don't know what I'm doing
I don't know where I am
I don't know where I'm going
I only know where I've been

I don't know who the fuck I am

Shadows

How did I get here?
Is it darkness that creeps in my bones?
On the edge of that fear
On the edge of everything that I've known

I can see it's the end
of the way things used to be
Breaking down
Dissolving everything inside of me
There's no love in the end
only what you want from me
Giving up
Letting darkness take control of me

And I stand here alone
And all these words
can't bring me home
My mind is filled shadows
Shadows of the soul
These shadows
Shadows of control

Stake your claim on me
It's the dawn of the age of fear
You tell me I'm free
The illusion whispered into my ear

I can see it's the end
of the way things used to be
Breaking down
Dissolving everything inside of me
There's no love in the end
only what you want from me
Giving up
Letting darkness take control of me

And I stand here alone
And all these words
can't bring me home
My mind is filled shadows
Shadows of the soul
These shadows
Shadows of control

The music here was all written by my buddy Larry who was cool enough to let me give a shot at doing some vocals on it. It probably seems nerdy, but the lyrics here are actually influenced by the video game Alan Wake.  I wasn't sure what to write about, and I was in the middle of a replay of Alan Wake: American Nightmare.  I decided to try writing from the point of view of someone falling under the influence of the Taken and what it must be like.  Although, when I was done, I've had people tell me the the things they think the song is about.  It's been insightful in regards to how people think and relate the contents to their own experiences. 

Machine

Dug my way out like I wanted

Took 3 years of stress, but I got it

Changed my life, changed myself

It all took a toll on my health

Looking back I have to wonder

What did I do this for

Built a new life, but I don't want it

I'm back where I was before

Is it fear that keeps me here now?

Stagnation haunts my waking dreams

I'm trapped behind this desk now,

a machine behind a machine

Tried to stay away from this

Brok out o fthis life obscene

But is it all I know now?

Is this all I am?  A sight unseen?

So much left to do now

So much left in life yet to see

But I put my job before myself

Fell back into this dull routine

Is it fear that keeps me here now?

Stagnation haunts my waking dreams

I'm trapped behind this desk now,

a machine behind a machine

Am I just a machine behind a machine?

Devil Down

This song was written by my buddy Larry Greer on drums and a friend of his, Ian Murphy on guitar.  The music was absolutely great and he was cool enough to let me attempt vocals on it.  I still need to add bass to the first half of the song, but it seems like it's coming along.

silence is the worst form of cowardice

you rob and you take 

 enslave and you rape 

you prove through your actions 

your religion is fake 

you commit these horrors 

disgrace muhammad's name 

how is killing children 

anything but insane?

your actions are the worst sin 

there's a holocaust, 

and the world ignores it again 

when will we wake up? 

when will we take action? 

this happens every time 

socialism's on the rise again

war on women? 

 how bout the ones that they take? 

civil rights? 

what about the ones that they enslave? 

pedophiles? 

how bout 12 year olds getting raped? 

discrimination? 

 how bout people drowned in a cage?

we're more worried about messages on a cake 

than homosexuals being thrown from the roof 

we'd rather put a stupid rainbow on our facebook pic 

than take 5 minutes to seek out the truth

silence is the worst form of cowardice

when it comes to users 

you wear the crown 

and when you fall it's just 

one more devil down

isis is evil in it's purest form 

this is the war for which we've been born

and to the apathetic hollywood elites 

screaming 'human shield' with your voices so loud 

but when children are crucified in the streets 

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU NOW!?

when it comes to users 

you wear the crown 

and when you fall it's just 

one more devil down

When All is Sorrow (rough mix)

This is not really one of my songs.  My buddy Larry wrote and recorded this and was cool enough to let me toy with vocals on it.  I'm not settled on this yet, but this is a rough hack.

the things i overcome that keep me numb my life wasted on stupid dreams
i spent my life always on the run time to set aside childish things
trapped myself with promises I regret the mistakes i make when i agree
i'm meant to go with the wind on a whim, just unchained and free
i'm trapped by indecision now struggling to be the best i can be
but i'm smothered by expectation to be someone other than me
witness now the change of heart as cold as stone, it cannot bleed
i'm shutting down now to survive
i'm shutting off so i can breathe

time does not feel the same when all is sorrow
 when all is sorrow

do you think you can tame me use me just to change me
i can't save you i'm moving onward
now
i will not be your exit out
because
i can't save you i'm moving onward
i'm not your rewind i'm not your lifeline
i can't save you i'm moving onward
don't pin your hopes on me in the end you'll always see
i can't save you i'm moving onward

can you stand on your own two feet
without me, without love, can you be
the best version of yourself
not defined by someone else
who you are, who you were,
who you'll be
can you be you, without me?
cause i'm not always going to be here
you can't live your life paralyzed in fear
so i'm moving on so you can learn to stand
and when you find yourself I'll come back again
but until that day this is how far I'll go
cause time does not feel the same
when all is sorrow

Salience

After 15 years, I had my life ripped from under me

How could it be? I couldn't see, I planned so fucking carefully

Depression set in, I let it win, but it was temporary

My mesolimbic pathway overflows with dopamine

I was driven! Unstoppable!  I was fucking obsessed!

To climb my way back up, I'd be fucking relentless!

So, started at the bottom, pushed myself past my limits.

Ignored the pain from over strain, gave it all I could give it.

Years passed, life changed and now I find I'm here again

The rat race, a job I hate, my time is not my own again

I've been here before, yet repeat my mistakes?

Did I expect a different outcome? A life I could take?

Insanity.  Expecting different results

I need to break out of my prison of faults.

I'm my own man, now it's time that I live it

I need to take risks and give it all I can give it

You'd think that I'd know by now

That I succeed out of habit

To create a new life for myself

I need to just reach out and grab it

This is the only way that I can repair my fate

I will overcome the expectations of this world

Nice house, two cars, debt, white picket fence

Credit cards, more bills, living just to pay the rent

Friday night, go out, spend more than I take home

When life get tough, the government will pay my loan

That isn't me, I'm not a clone, I can't sit still

I need to live on the move, I also pay my fucking bills

No help, no hands out, leave that for the weak

No suburban mediocrity, leave that for the sheep

I've done it once, and I'll do it again

Break out of this routine and be my own fucking man

If there's one thing I know, it's life isn't fair

And no matter where it takes, you, it'll never be there

I've always done things my own way

That's how I'll always be

It's not that I'm stubborn

It's that man was meant to be free

I will overcome the expectations of this world

*recording notes - Music recorded in Pro-Tools.  Schecter Damian used to record guitar, Sansamp in Pro-Tools used for distortion.  EB-0 used for bass.  Zoom 234 used to direct line recorded.  Vocals recorded in Ardour using Heil PR-20 in my car in the upper parking lot of Snoqualmie Falls.

Their Web of Lies

Their web of lies

The lies they keep on telling you

Spinning truth

Drowning in prop they keep selling you

Robbing you

Of the hours of your one and only life

Breeding contempt, distrust

Fomenting strife

And what's the price?

The cost of shrugging blame

The cost of the avoiding shame

The cost of their slavers game

The road to hell is paved with good intent

But if you refuse to step up

We'll all default on the rent

We may all be in this together

But you use me like a check so you can spend forever

You don't ask me for permission

You just assume and forcefully take

And when I fight to keep something for myself,

you claim I'm evil for keeping what I make

You want your living off the labors of others

Condescend to us about how we're all brothers

A brother wouldn't hold a gun to my head for wealth

No destroy my property or sacrifice my health

You can't force compliance and pretend it's success

That's how dictators think, a bully at best

You can't drown our children while claiming its fine

Now they're smothered in debt and running out of time

The clock is ticking, the end is near

The world enslaved in poverty and fear

They us blame to divide us, while they cower and hide

And we're destroying ourselves in their web of lies

*recording notes - Music recorded in Pro-Tools.  Guitar was a Schecter Damian 7-string.  Sansamp in Pro-Tools for the distortion.  Zoom 234 for drums, direct line recorded.  EB-0 for bass.  Recorded vocals in Ardour using a Heil PR-20 in my car, on the overlook up the road from Dirt Fish Rally School.